The Alien Saleswoman

Most nights Jeff Pratt slept comfortably through the night with out any interruption, unless he had one of those big gulps that made him get up and pee. On this particular night however, he awoke to something very different from a bursting bladder.

He was startled from his sleep by a loud humming sound that shook his entire bedroom and made his digital clock clatter on his nightstand. Green lights flashed outside his windows and a green light was flooding in under his bedroom door. Light footsteps came walking up to the door and stopped. Then the door flung open. The knob banged against the wall with amazing force and made Jeff jump in his bed where he still lied, covered up to his waist in covers.

The figure that stepped forward through the door was lanky and small with an oversized head. In horror he saw the outline of a three-fingered hand reach for the light switch on the wall. When the light flicked on Jeff thought he must have been dreaming and still hadn’t woken up. This couldn’t be happening. Standing just inside his doorway was a grey colored alien with large, black eyes.

Oh God, don’t let him probe me, was his first thought.

What was peculiar, and entirely different from most accounts of alien encounters, was that the alien was holding something in his hand. It looked like a briefcase to Jeff. The alien confidently stepped forward and set his briefcase on the bed next to Jeff’s feet. He then opened it up and pulled out something. Jeff was ready for a ray gun, maybe a long metal rod that would be inserted in, well you know, but not what came next.

The alien cleared his throat. “Would you like to make your penis bigger?” It said as it stepped forward and handed Jeff a brochure. The brochure had GALAXYTE MALE ENHANCEMENT written on it across the top in big fancy type. “Eight million Plutonians and Uranusites can’t be wrong.”

The alien then turned the briefcase around so Jeff could see inside and he saw that it was packed with pill bottles, tubes of something, and a stack of left over brochures.

“You sell male enhancement pills?” Jeff looked down at the alien and in between its legs where male genitalia usually were. “You don’t even have a penis.”

“What, you’ve never seen a female alien before? Can female aliens not sell male enhancement pills as well as a male alien? Is that it? Prick.”

Jeff didn’t see anything down there that looked female either, but he didn’t say anything else about it. Who was he to get involved in extraterrestrial female matters?

“Sorry, I never thought about that,” Jeff responded, a little embarrassed.

“Apology accepted. Now buy my stuff.”

“Listen, you had a really, really amazing presentation but I’m just not interested in buying your penis products.” Jeff said as apologetically as he could. It reminded him of the tone he had used when he gave his first girlfriend the “It’s not you, it’s me” speech.

He wondered if it could be that easy. This alien obviously had access to technology far greater than his civilization; these aliens could grow penises up to 5 inches in as little as two weeks for God’s sake! What was stopping it from using some high tech weapon on Jeff to force him to buy its products?

“Alright,” It said with a shrug and it started to walk out, “I’ll leave you with a free sample though.” It winked one of its giant black eyes. And then it was gone.

What the hell was that?

Jeff didn’t sleep the rest of the night. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the alien and its gigantic black.

He got out of bed when the sun came up and made coffee. Maybe if he followed the routine he always did he could move past this. He was sitting at his kitchen table in his bathrobe, eating bacon and eggs and sipping his second cup of coffee, when the phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Jeff Pratt?”

“Yes, that’s me.”

“I’m Leslie from Galaxyte Male Enhancement. I visited you last night about our fine products...”

The alien’s name was Leslie?

“...I know I may have caught you at a bad time before. I was wondering if you might want to hear more about all the advantages Galaxyte Male Enhancement products have to offer?”

“Uh, Leslie, I don’t think I want to hear anymore about your products thanks.”

He hung up the phone, slammed it actually. That’s what he liked about land line phones; you could still slam them when you wanted to. He almost started to think about how this generation of kids were such little punks (not like his generation) with their Ipods and Twitter, but the phone ringing again cut off his train of thought.

“Hello?”

“Hi, this is Leslie from Galaxyte Male Enhancement again.” Leslie was really putting on her cheery voice now. “I don’t know what you’re dealing with…down there, but I think any man has room for improvement and I think you should hear all the options we here at Galaxyte have to offer.”

Now Jeff was getting angry. Why wouldn’t this alien leave him alone?

“Leslie, I don’t want your penis enlargement pills! That’s final!”

He slammed the phone as he hung up again. Nearly as soon as he did, it rang again. He picked it up, furious this time.

“Listen, I don’t want any of your alien penis pills, ok!?”

“Jeff?” The voice on the other end was human and sounded worried.

“Mom?”

“Son, are you ok?”

“You kind of caught me at a bad time, mom. Can I call you back later?”

“Sure, honey. Just...take of yourself.”

“I will, mom. Bye.”

He sat back down at the table and said aloud, “I really need to get caller I.D.”

Later that day Jeff Pratt went and signed up for that “no call list” the government had started, so telemarketers would stop bothering people. He didn’t know if it applied to aliens named Leslie but he hoped it did. Leslie never called or showed up again, so maybe it did. Eventually he was able to sleep again, even if he does sleep with a stuffed animal now (it’s a penguin, in case you were wondering).

Oh, and he tried that free sample the alien left for him. It turned his dick green.